Grieving, Learning & Healing Phase 1

Again, only screenshots for this post for now.

Some of my amazing students on my first day back at dance after a month!

Slides from an amazing Grief crash course I attended!

Some slides from an amazing "Power of Saying No" crash course that I attended.

Amy scribbled the above. I love it.

I sent this beautiful song about mothers to Andy, and he sent this very sweetest text back. Made me happy cry.

Screenshots *only* From a Terrible No Good Month

I will fill in this post, or possibly write a separate post later. It is difficult to put it all to words now. 

No fun photos.

No moments of laughter hardly at all.

It was epically rough. For me particularly. But really the whole family, because several of us had hit walls.

But for now, these are just screenshots I took on my phone during this time.

Snowpocalypse in Texas 2021

This week was TERRIFYING for me. And many Texans.

Many people died during this natural disaster that also involved a politicalshizstorm on top of it.

We had our adult children without power for water for days in below freezing temps, with no way to get to them. 

Eden and Moses came and stayed with us while poor Moses' family was stuck in their frozen, powerless homes.

We also had Jonah and his roommates staying with us.

Everything was frozen.

It killed many trees and plant life, not to mention a lot of major injuries to all life. 

Grocery shopping,  ONCE YOU COULD ACTUALLY GET THERE AND THEY WERE ACTUALLY OPEN WITH POWER, was soooo stressful. Much worse than when Covid first hit. 
But this time we were also dealing with a natural disaster.

Taken during the hour long wait to get in to the store. 

Once in, the shelves were often vacant.



Which made feeding all we housed quite stressful of course.

The Perfect Relationship

 I learned something so important last week, that has absolutely turned my world upside down. 

People always think I am so dramatic because I use dramatic words. But I SWEAR my goal when I communicate with others is to be 100% honest, AND also with the most kindness I can muster. If I could be permitted with a number 2 priority, I would say to be direct. But that is something that I struggle with because although I am honest, I am not always understanding the situation 100 percent during the moment I am speaking. And I have no trouble getting wordy! So therefore, anything that I have said to you, yes it was honest for me in that moment, [not at all dishonest for me in THIS moment, I will not deny it whatever it is you think I did mean to you, give it a try, really!] but it was just the nicest way I could put it honestly. And sorry if I did it in a wordy way. 

Of course nobody would admit that when they are being mean, that they are being honest but they don't want to be mean. Because that would be downright rude. I on the other hand would say "I am being honest, but I also need to be mean right now," if I was wanting to be mean. But because I am honest, I am not afraid to admit to you that I was mean if I was wanting to be mean to you. Therefore, if you think I ever did something mean to you, yes I did. And I am sorry. But it was literally the nicest way I could do it. 

But that is not what I learned about myself that turned my life upside down.

I learned that what drives my heart #1 in this world is wanting to love people and they love me back. I already knew that part. The part that I did not know is that I if I love them, and they don't love me back, I will be crushed. Like sooooo crushed. My people pleasing verges on suicide if I think you hate me, but I love you. I know it makes no sense at all. I totally agree with the cliché adage "Once you realize you cannot please everyone, then you can start pleasing yourself." Like totally agree completely. However, I am a 42 year old woman, and I cannot get myself to change to actually live to that awesome advice! I have TRIED!!!!!! With my entire soul!  And for that I can get dramatic, but wouldn't you feel dramatic if you loved someone so much you would kill yourself if it meant they would love you back? I mean it is literal in every essence of the word "literal" insanity!!!!!!!!!!! Again, I am literally trying to not be dramatic. It just is dramatic. It is a huge pet peeve of mine when people use the word "literal" and is is actually not "literal" what they are saying. 

Do you know how I know that all the above statements are true? 

Because last week I decided that I did not have ANY relationship problems in my life whatsoever except for one. I need to believe you love me back. Even if you say it, and do what YOU think shows you love me, I will not believe it until I feel it. How do I feel it? I don't know. But a lot of people besides me have figured out how to do it somehow.  So that is all I can say about that.

Do I HAVE to have you love me back? NO! My love is absolutely unconditional, so if you're good, I am good!!!! I do need you to allow me to let go of you if I am not loved though. Why? Because my people pleasing relationship problem also tortures me even if I love you and need you out of my life. I don't want to keep around fake relationships. Please. If you love me, you would never want me to die. Right? And I would truly die to win your love. Promise. And if you could never give it to me, then I am sorry, I need to not try. Because that would kill me. 

Again, I know this all sounds so dramatic, but I am a weird person. Possibly the weirdest person I know. And I am finally completely and entirely ok with it!!!! 
You know why? Because I have chosen to only surround myself with people who make me feel loved. 

So if I do get a relationship problem in the future, it will be because I do not feel loved. Period.

A Facebook Post

Dad Bishop shared this on Facebook today.

Susan and I are looking forward with great anticipation to see and feel the Spirit of Elijah in our hearts and minds and in our home. We wanted to go in the past down to Salt Lake City to the great Genealogy and Family History feast but this gives us a real opportunity to have it right here in our new home. We just moved in about a month or so ago. The home is about 20 years old but is comfortable and very nice for us. We down sized to  one story and now we'll be 80 and 82 in a couple of months and moving slower these days, at least I do. I made up a 4 ft dia. genealogy round wheel. Actually, more like a fan wheel chart with a possible around 2000 names on it when full. It's about 12 or 13 generations on it. I've got it about two thirds full and did it about a year or so ago.  I have my dad's on one side and mom's on the other side. It was so much fun putting it together. Our ward family history Teacher,  Betty Keetch, got me going again; she is such a good teacher. I've heard and learned so much in the last several years. I learn that I have at least 6 direct Mayflower ancestor passengers, three on my dad's side , William Brewster, wife Mary, and Isaac Allerton who married Brewster's daughter Fear, who came later. And on my mom's side, John Howland, who later married Elizabeth Tilley, and at least one of her parents, Father Tilley. And about John Howland's near death after being swept overboard in a raging storm in the Atlantic and of his miraculous rescue. You can't make these stories up, they are so incredible. We got a book about him and sent one to each one of our children and family for Christmas a year ago. No one in my family knew about them, that I knew of. Also, I found out that I have a black fellow on my mom's side. One of my Granddaughter's told me about having about a percentage of black in our line. What, I had no idea. So I started looking into my  mother's side, and sure enough I ran into a person, who lived in Virginia, I believe. He was pulled into court, one day  and wanted to know how come you being a mulatto have 9 whites in your0 home. I think this was back in the 1700's. He paid taxes, and later, his wife received money from the government, since he was a war veteran. This ancestor was about seven generations back. And I found out that some of my people came early into Jamestowm,. One ancestor was born about 1608 in that area, if what I read is true and of somehow he survived the great massacre by the indians one year. And I found out about on my father's side of two Mochacan Indian Princeses. And about the Huguenots in my family and many, many more. It's like a feast at the King's table. I could go on and on but somehow I must soon stop. I knew very, very little about these things until about two or three years ago; and Sister Keetch got me going again. And one of my granddaughter who lives in Texas told me about some of my Black History. And I learned of my Kentucky and Tennessee families by study and learning more about computers. And of my big families from New England. And those from England, Ireland, Scotland, Denmark, The Netherlands, France and Germany and more I'm fairly sure. I've got some wonderful stories on two trips to Caldwell Co. Kentucky. One in Northwest Kentucky where we finally found a guide who took us right to my great great grandmother's grave. Her stone was in a small cemetery up past a tobacco drying shed and up in a soybean field in his 4x4 truck. We found her stone tipped over, as he said it would be. He said he was going back later to set it up straight. We took some pictures, and thanked him for everything and bfor setting the stone correctly. Her name is Tennessee Alabama Hartless. (They called her Tinsy Ala Heartless). I 'd say a very unusual name. We love her dearly and hope to meet her some day as well as all my other ancestors. When we got home we sent him a small package of Idaho Spuds and a signed autographed Book of Mormon. He wrote back and thanked us for the package. (And our guide got permission to go up to the little cemetery.) Thank you for listening to my stories. And I've got many more like them.. They are almost like candy, almost like sacred candy. These stories are sacred to me and my wife Susan. I must confess, thinking back, many have helped me find my ancesters, my dear wife, my mother who like to do genealogy, others in my various wards over the years, Sunday School Teacher's, and cousins who were doing it mostly on mother's side and my wife's sister Eileen. She took us to Nantucket Island. Many of her's, and of course my wife's direct ancestors lived on Nantucket Island. What a fun trip, We were in Boston for a son's graduation and she flew to be there with us and she put us up in the Boston Common's, how nice can it get. Thanks Dayton and Eileeen!  Bye the way, many, probaby thousands,  and probably millions have ancestral stories just like mine, hope you get going. If you love your ancestors like I do mine you will be truly amazed of meeting you ancestors this way. Life just cannot get better. Hope we'll all get going and help our ancestors do for them what they can not do for themselves. We promised.to do this up in Heaven before we came here!. We propised!!  And of course the Holy Ghost is a wonderful teacher. And testifies of truth and of our SaviorJesus Christ. Jesus Christ truly is our Heavenly Father's Son in the Flesh. Heavenly Father has been kind to us and has given us everything, Even our very lives, and helped us greatly!  May we all be blessed in doing this very important work! Thanks for reading. ps. If you found any errors please let me know , we'll try and correct it. Thanks again !

Weird Texas Winter 2021