The Perfect Relationship

 I learned something so important last week, that has absolutely turned my world upside down. 

People always think I am so dramatic because I use dramatic words. But I SWEAR my goal when I communicate with others is to be 100% honest, AND also with the most kindness I can muster. If I could be permitted with a number 2 priority, I would say to be direct. But that is something that I struggle with because although I am honest, I am not always understanding the situation 100 percent during the moment I am speaking. And I have no trouble getting wordy! So therefore, anything that I have said to you, yes it was honest for me in that moment, [not at all dishonest for me in THIS moment, I will not deny it whatever it is you think I did mean to you, give it a try, really!] but it was just the nicest way I could put it honestly. And sorry if I did it in a wordy way. 

Of course nobody would admit that when they are being mean, that they are being honest but they don't want to be mean. Because that would be downright rude. I on the other hand would say "I am being honest, but I also need to be mean right now," if I was wanting to be mean. But because I am honest, I am not afraid to admit to you that I was mean if I was wanting to be mean to you. Therefore, if you think I ever did something mean to you, yes I did. And I am sorry. But it was literally the nicest way I could do it. 

But that is not what I learned about myself that turned my life upside down.

I learned that what drives my heart #1 in this world is wanting to love people and they love me back. I already knew that part. The part that I did not know is that I if I love them, and they don't love me back, I will be crushed. Like sooooo crushed. My people pleasing verges on suicide if I think you hate me, but I love you. I know it makes no sense at all. I totally agree with the cliché adage "Once you realize you cannot please everyone, then you can start pleasing yourself." Like totally agree completely. However, I am a 42 year old woman, and I cannot get myself to change to actually live to that awesome advice! I have TRIED!!!!!! With my entire soul!  And for that I can get dramatic, but wouldn't you feel dramatic if you loved someone so much you would kill yourself if it meant they would love you back? I mean it is literal in every essence of the word "literal" insanity!!!!!!!!!!! Again, I am literally trying to not be dramatic. It just is dramatic. It is a huge pet peeve of mine when people use the word "literal" and is is actually not "literal" what they are saying. 

Do you know how I know that all the above statements are true? 

Because last week I decided that I did not have ANY relationship problems in my life whatsoever except for one. I need to believe you love me back. Even if you say it, and do what YOU think shows you love me, I will not believe it until I feel it. How do I feel it? I don't know. But a lot of people besides me have figured out how to do it somehow.  So that is all I can say about that.

Do I HAVE to have you love me back? NO! My love is absolutely unconditional, so if you're good, I am good!!!! I do need you to allow me to let go of you if I am not loved though. Why? Because my people pleasing relationship problem also tortures me even if I love you and need you out of my life. I don't want to keep around fake relationships. Please. If you love me, you would never want me to die. Right? And I would truly die to win your love. Promise. And if you could never give it to me, then I am sorry, I need to not try. Because that would kill me. 

Again, I know this all sounds so dramatic, but I am a weird person. Possibly the weirdest person I know. And I am finally completely and entirely ok with it!!!! 
You know why? Because I have chosen to only surround myself with people who make me feel loved. 

So if I do get a relationship problem in the future, it will be because I do not feel loved. Period.