Just as a warning, this is not going to be the happiest post. Most of you know I am sure, about what has happened to us over the past week. But some of you haven't. And some of you are wanting details. Talking about it has not been easy for me, so I haven't talked to many people. But I am perfectly willing to write about it.
As I posted a couple of weeks ago, Steve, my mom and the kids and I all went in for an ultrasound. It was a lot of fun. The baby looked great. The heart rate was about 150 beats/minute. They also told us we were having a boy, which we were thrilled about.
On Sunday night I felt our baby really move in me for the first time. Last Wednesday I went into the doctor for my regular prenatal checkup. She was unable to find the heartbeat with the Doppler. So she got out an ultrasound machine and took a look. After a while I saw her starting to cry. She said she was so sorry but couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She went and got another doctor to come in and run another ultrasound. The other doctor didn't find anything either. I couldn't really believe it. I was hoping it was a mistake. My doctor just held me as I sobbed in her arms. She wanted me to stay there until Steve could come and get me but I couldn't get a hold of him. So after a while I pulled myself together and left. I went to his work and found him and told him the news. He couldn't believe it. He wanted to take me to another place to do another ultrasound. My doctor was very sweet and was willing to get me another appointment with a different doctor's office who only does ultrasounds. I went in with Steve the next morning to that place and got a third ultrasound. And when they confirmed the death of our baby, Steve had a similar reaction to mine the day prior. I had kind of accepted it overnight but it didn't stop me from sobbing as well. They said the baby had died within the last week. We knew that already of course. They didn't know why it had happened but took a blood test and an amniocentesis. We then went in to my doctor who talked with us about what to do next. She said that as far along as I was, the safest thing for me to do was to deliver the baby. I wasn't having any contractions so she thought that it could take a couple of days for me to deliver. She got me an appointment for that night to be induced. My sweet mom flew up right away which was a great help to us. They gave me something to start the labor Thursday evening. Contractions started soon thereafter. I had contractions all through the night and the next day without any further dilation. After 24 hours of that they decided to give me shots every two hours of something different. So I went through another night of labor. The contractions gradually got more intense and closer together. By 5am Saturday I knew that it wouldn't be long before I'd deliver . It had been 3 nights of little or no sleep and a great deal of heartbreak and I was drained. I started pushing around 6 am, and our baby boy was born at 7am. It was very emotional. He was about 7 inches long. We didn't have him weighed. He was perfectly formed with all ten fingers and toes. Nothing appeared to have been wrong with him. When they handed him to me his arms were folded with one palm facing out and his chin resting on the other hand. He looked like he was sleeping and was so sweet. I held him for a while, and so did Steve and my mom. By this time I had lost so much blood, I had all but passed out. Apparently there were a great deal of blood clots I was passing and they started to worry about me continuing on to deliver the placenta. My mom said that she had been there for the delivery of 5 grandchildren and had never seen so much blood. After 2 hours, I just couldn't do it so they rushed me off to surgery. They put me to sleep for that and so it was not bad at all. I came out of surgery around 11am and felt quite a bit better after that. I was able to leave the hospital at 4:30pm on Saturday. I was anxious to go so I could get some real rest. I was surprised that of all 5 baby deliveries I have had, the one that lasted the longest was the one of my dead baby. I pushed every bit as long and hard and experienced at least as much as pain too. My first night home I wasn't able to sleep I felt so sad about the whole experience. There were reminders everywhere of being pregnant. I had just rearranged my closet to hold all my maternity clothes a few days before. I still had my puke bags handy in pockets of clothes. The first thing Becca said to me when she saw me while she grabbed my belly was “your baby is there?” And she has asked about the baby a few times a day since. The kids all took the news a little different. Jonah's first reaction was tears and “but I wanted a brother!” Then he asked if we could have a funeral. Celeste told me she was working on making a blanket for the baby. Eden said she would pray that the baby would live again. Becca just didn't get it. This whole experience has been quite hard for me, but at the same time, I have felt a great amount of comfort come to me. I know that is because of prayers. Sunday I woke up pretty sore from the delivery the day before. But have felt better since then. Today we buried our baby. We were encouraged to still name him what we had planned on naming him. That is Benjamin Bailey Bishop. We buried him in the baby section at Cloverdale Cemetery. For the burial service we just had the kids, Steve's parents, and my mom there. It was pretty cold, but at least the rain decided to wait for us to be done. He was buried right next to the pond where there is a nice flock of ducks, swans, and geese. The kids liked that. My heart is still aching and I wish more than anything we hadn't lost him. The hospital staff was incredibly compassionate and helpful as well as many family and friends. They sent me home from the hospital with a nice teddy bear who I lovingly named Ben. They didn't want me to leave there empty handed when the other mothers get to bring home their babies. I am ready to move on and am already tired of feeling so sad all the time. But it is hard for me to shake the sorrow. I have already spent the past 3 or 4 months vomiting and struggling with all that comes with being pregnant. I don't look forward to going through that part of it again, but I do hope that after I recover from this, it wont take me too long to have another child.
This was the box he was buried in. So tiny!
As I posted a couple of weeks ago, Steve, my mom and the kids and I all went in for an ultrasound. It was a lot of fun. The baby looked great. The heart rate was about 150 beats/minute. They also told us we were having a boy, which we were thrilled about.
On Sunday night I felt our baby really move in me for the first time. Last Wednesday I went into the doctor for my regular prenatal checkup. She was unable to find the heartbeat with the Doppler. So she got out an ultrasound machine and took a look. After a while I saw her starting to cry. She said she was so sorry but couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She went and got another doctor to come in and run another ultrasound. The other doctor didn't find anything either. I couldn't really believe it. I was hoping it was a mistake. My doctor just held me as I sobbed in her arms. She wanted me to stay there until Steve could come and get me but I couldn't get a hold of him. So after a while I pulled myself together and left. I went to his work and found him and told him the news. He couldn't believe it. He wanted to take me to another place to do another ultrasound. My doctor was very sweet and was willing to get me another appointment with a different doctor's office who only does ultrasounds. I went in with Steve the next morning to that place and got a third ultrasound. And when they confirmed the death of our baby, Steve had a similar reaction to mine the day prior. I had kind of accepted it overnight but it didn't stop me from sobbing as well. They said the baby had died within the last week. We knew that already of course. They didn't know why it had happened but took a blood test and an amniocentesis. We then went in to my doctor who talked with us about what to do next. She said that as far along as I was, the safest thing for me to do was to deliver the baby. I wasn't having any contractions so she thought that it could take a couple of days for me to deliver. She got me an appointment for that night to be induced. My sweet mom flew up right away which was a great help to us. They gave me something to start the labor Thursday evening. Contractions started soon thereafter. I had contractions all through the night and the next day without any further dilation. After 24 hours of that they decided to give me shots every two hours of something different. So I went through another night of labor. The contractions gradually got more intense and closer together. By 5am Saturday I knew that it wouldn't be long before I'd deliver . It had been 3 nights of little or no sleep and a great deal of heartbreak and I was drained. I started pushing around 6 am, and our baby boy was born at 7am. It was very emotional. He was about 7 inches long. We didn't have him weighed. He was perfectly formed with all ten fingers and toes. Nothing appeared to have been wrong with him. When they handed him to me his arms were folded with one palm facing out and his chin resting on the other hand. He looked like he was sleeping and was so sweet. I held him for a while, and so did Steve and my mom. By this time I had lost so much blood, I had all but passed out. Apparently there were a great deal of blood clots I was passing and they started to worry about me continuing on to deliver the placenta. My mom said that she had been there for the delivery of 5 grandchildren and had never seen so much blood. After 2 hours, I just couldn't do it so they rushed me off to surgery. They put me to sleep for that and so it was not bad at all. I came out of surgery around 11am and felt quite a bit better after that. I was able to leave the hospital at 4:30pm on Saturday. I was anxious to go so I could get some real rest. I was surprised that of all 5 baby deliveries I have had, the one that lasted the longest was the one of my dead baby. I pushed every bit as long and hard and experienced at least as much as pain too. My first night home I wasn't able to sleep I felt so sad about the whole experience. There were reminders everywhere of being pregnant. I had just rearranged my closet to hold all my maternity clothes a few days before. I still had my puke bags handy in pockets of clothes. The first thing Becca said to me when she saw me while she grabbed my belly was “your baby is there?” And she has asked about the baby a few times a day since. The kids all took the news a little different. Jonah's first reaction was tears and “but I wanted a brother!” Then he asked if we could have a funeral. Celeste told me she was working on making a blanket for the baby. Eden said she would pray that the baby would live again. Becca just didn't get it. This whole experience has been quite hard for me, but at the same time, I have felt a great amount of comfort come to me. I know that is because of prayers. Sunday I woke up pretty sore from the delivery the day before. But have felt better since then. Today we buried our baby. We were encouraged to still name him what we had planned on naming him. That is Benjamin Bailey Bishop. We buried him in the baby section at Cloverdale Cemetery. For the burial service we just had the kids, Steve's parents, and my mom there. It was pretty cold, but at least the rain decided to wait for us to be done. He was buried right next to the pond where there is a nice flock of ducks, swans, and geese. The kids liked that. My heart is still aching and I wish more than anything we hadn't lost him. The hospital staff was incredibly compassionate and helpful as well as many family and friends. They sent me home from the hospital with a nice teddy bear who I lovingly named Ben. They didn't want me to leave there empty handed when the other mothers get to bring home their babies. I am ready to move on and am already tired of feeling so sad all the time. But it is hard for me to shake the sorrow. I have already spent the past 3 or 4 months vomiting and struggling with all that comes with being pregnant. I don't look forward to going through that part of it again, but I do hope that after I recover from this, it wont take me too long to have another child.
This was the box he was buried in. So tiny!
14 comments:
Amanda...when Emmie told me I got some tears in my eyes. I know you are strong girl! So hang in there! The Lord loves you and so does your family :) I just wanted to let you know I kept you in my prayers. well take care sweetie.
I'm so sorry for you. Reading this brought back a flood of old memories--I had a hard time even sleeping last night. I hope you'll feel at peace about it soon, but I know it's hard to feel that way even if you want to. I'm leaving for Boise/Meridian right now--I hope to see you this weekend.
Amanda,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My heart aches for you and I'm so sorry you have had to go through this experience. I love you and I am praying that you will continue to find peace.
(((HUGS)))
Hey Amanda, this is Alysa. I am so impressed with your strength and courage as you grow through this experience. Thank you for sharing your grief and sorrow with us and allowing us to learn and grow with you. We love you and will continue praying for your family.
I love you sis. You are incredible.
Oh Amanada, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.
Amanda,
I know that there's nothing anyone can do or say to make this any easier for you but one thing that's always helped me is to know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for us. Nothing happens by chance. It's all part of a bigger plan that our Father in Heaven has laid out for us. One thing that I can tell you for certain is that you will always remember this time but it will get easier. I promise you that. Always remember that you have so many people that love and admire you.
Amanda your amazing and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your experience and your feelings. I'm so sorry for your loss. We will look forward to meeting Benjamin on the other side. We love you!
Hugs, and prayers coming from us every day.
Amanda, thank you for sharing that, I'm sure it wasn't easy. My sister went through almost the exact same experience, and I know that she said prayer is what got her through it, too. You'll be in our prayers (your family too). Love ya.
Amanda, I am so sorry you and your family had to go through that. I am impressed with how strong you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Steve. I love you and if you need anything, let me know.
I love you sis. I hope you keep feeling better everyday. Everyone's got you in their prayers.
Thanks for having me at your place with my 3 wild ones. I had such a good time with you. Stay busy and happy. I love you. You are such an example to me.
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