A lot has been going on. With me and all of the people I love.
And I am sitting
down in front of my computer with the hope that I can adequately put
to words some thoughts and feelings I am having. This feeling and
experience has happened to me many many times over the years. And
each time I sat down, I had this attitude of “I’ve figured it
out! Now let me put it all to words so that I can find easy access
later in case I forget.. and so my loved ones can hopefully benefit
as well.”
I guess I feel that
way again today, with one difference. This time I know, that whatever
it is I think I know today, WILL fade into the distance, and will be
only remembered as those shadows behind the mountains of fresher
knowledge and experiences.
Because that is what life has proven to me. Over and over again. And that is one solid ray of light I see on the horizon forevermore.
Because that is what life has proven to me. Over and over again. And that is one solid ray of light I see on the horizon forevermore.
I have an
allegorical of sorts idea I want to write about today.
I know who Amanda is
today. And who she was yesterday. And years ago. But most
importantly, I know who Amanda is. I know all the intimate details of
Amanda. I know the worst of Amanda. Better than anyone could ever
understand! Because I was not only first hand witness to watching it
all unfold, but also because I was LIVING IN the mind and heart of
Amanda at all of those times as well. I understand the best of Amanda
better than anyone could ever understand. And I understand the crazy
better than anyone possibly could!
It’s taken a lot
for me to feel like I really know who this Amanda character is. I
have seen her in all kinds of environments and situations over the
course of 41 years, and how she worked (or not worked) through them
all. Nobody has been around her more than I have! So I am pretty
clear on who Amanda is now.
And I feel like it
has taken this Amanda character fighting all kinds of demons for me
to finally gain love and respect for her. But what I have had to
soberly realize, seeing these demons conquered on the ground, is that
every single demon had actually been in my life to serve as an angel.
All, and I do mean all, of the good things in my life have all also been the demons to conquer. The understanding of this came with a twin.
The understanding that those angels were quietly trying to fight
their own demons. And these battles can be messy situations in which
all kinds of people get hurt by even their own side. But I do not
want the next thought here to go to the Foe, or who, or what
the “foe” even is, because that just takes us down a bigger
problem altogether.
For me, the dots of
my pain have all carefully woven themselves together into a beautiful
blanket of comfort and strength. And nothing has brought greater
peace to my pain, than knowing that all the people who ever have
caused me pain, were only fighting the same demons I was fighting.
Some much worse.
But for me, the
hardest demon of them all, was myself. There was no harsher critique,
no more abusive person, nobody quite as unkind and unforgiving as I
was to myself.
After fighting down
all these demons in my life, knowing these demons were also angels at
one point, I sat at the top of that hill for a long time. Wondering
what to do next with all of these people, things and ideas that I had
both loved, and beat the crap out of, at various times in my life.
Even my ugly own alter-ego-amanda-demon, lying at my feet, still
vomiting into a gallon sized ziplock bag.
And after a lot of
time. After a lot of thought. After a lot of inner turmoil, I came to
a decision.
And here my language
is no longer figurative. This happened.
I, Amanda, went on a
walk today. I decided to go further than I usually go. I decided to
allow myself time to explore. I found a bridge on my walk that I had
not seen before. I crossed the bridge. I kept walking for a while, then turned
around and came to that bridge again and stopped dead in my tracks.
And this was not planned.
I decided I was not
going to bring ANY,
and
please excuse
my language, *ANY shit
back over this bridge with me. So I found a place to sit down. It was
not the most comfortable spot, but that was ok, this didn’t need to
be comfortable. I was gonna sit with any leftover discomfort inside
of me remaining, and allow it to work itself out. And I sat there for
about 45 minutes. I let myself think about all the ugly stuff I
wanted to think about. As much as I wanted to. And I let myself take
some time to make sense of anything that I hadn’t quite made sense
of yet…..Nope…..It all made sense.
*Back to allegory
kinda talk.
And there I decided
how I wanted to be after I cross that bridge. And I want to be ME. And who is me? I am love. I am “love” because I truly
want to give love, be love, see love, act with love, exemplify love,
embody love, show love, grow love, share love. I want
to give it, receive it, share it, cultivate it, encourage it, and
cheer love on. I want to be around people that can help me flourish
by encouraging me to be me, which is to love. Why do I want all that?
Because it feels amazingly good to do! It feels like the healthiest
way for me to live.
I want to move out
of the battlefield. I am ready to move forward, and explore, and have
fun, and learn learn learn! I want people by my side along the way. I
want to be by people’s sides.
This is no exclusive
club. But it is a protected (like extinction level protected),
kind of exploring area. I am posting the emotional signs all over my
area to let people know what kinds of things I like to be surrounded
by. This area is no longer a battle field. It’s a garden of sorts
because I plan to keep my area a sanctuary and also plant all kinds of good seeds on my path as I go. I
want to be done fighting demons and just love. And that for me will
be the only moral gauge I need moving forward.
And to be clear, I do
not need, want, or have room for perfection to be a player in my
garden anymore. Because love is not perfect. Except for there is a
perfect *kind* of love. And that is unconditional love. That is the
only perfection to be attained here.
And I know that my garden will weather a lot of storms. But the rain will help those seeds grow….
And I know that my garden will weather a lot of storms. But the rain will help those seeds grow….
So there I was,
still out on my morning walk. Closer to afternoon now. Except sitting in front of a bridge. It
was a bridge I was to only cross with ZERO shit left in me. Did I
need more time? Nope. Didn’t need anymore time. I let it go. I
stood up, dusted off my butt, and crossed the bridge into my life
now.
My garden sanctuary of love.
Last night Steve and I got to see Little Dario star in 21 Chump Street. And he absolutely nailed it! And we got to finally meet both of Dario’s parents, since they were in town! Sweet people!!!
