Emotional Processing for Amanda

A lot has been going on. With me and all of the people I love.

And I am sitting down in front of my computer with the hope that I can adequately put to words some thoughts and feelings I am having. This feeling and experience has happened to me many many times over the years. And each time I sat down, I had this attitude of “I’ve figured it out! Now let me put it all to words so that I can find easy access later in case I forget.. and so my loved ones can hopefully benefit as well.”

I guess I feel that way again today, with one difference. This time I know, that whatever it is I think I know today, WILL fade into the distance, and will be only remembered as those shadows behind the mountains of fresher knowledge and experiences.
Because that is what life has proven to me. Over and over again. And that is one solid ray of light I see on the horizon forevermore.

I have an allegorical of sorts idea I want to write about today.

I know who Amanda is today. And who she was yesterday. And years ago. But most importantly, I know who Amanda is. I know all the intimate details of Amanda. I know the worst of Amanda. Better than anyone could ever understand! Because I was not only first hand witness to watching it all unfold, but also because I was LIVING IN the mind and heart of Amanda at all of those times as well. I understand the best of Amanda better than anyone could ever understand. And I understand the crazy better than anyone possibly could!

It’s taken a lot for me to feel like I really know who this Amanda character is. I have seen her in all kinds of environments and situations over the course of 41 years, and how she worked (or not worked) through them all. Nobody has been around her more than I have! So I am pretty clear on who Amanda is now.

And I feel like it has taken this Amanda character fighting all kinds of demons for me to finally gain love and respect for her. But what I have had to soberly realize, seeing these demons conquered on the ground, is that every single demon had actually been in my life to serve as an angel. All, and I do mean all, of the good things in my life have all also been the demons to conquer. The understanding of this came with a twin. The understanding that those angels were quietly trying to fight their own demons. And these battles can be messy situations in which all kinds of people get hurt by even their own side. But I do not want the next thought here to go to the Foe, or who, or what the “foe” even is, because that just takes us down a bigger problem altogether.

For me, the dots of my pain have all carefully woven themselves together into a beautiful blanket of comfort and strength. And nothing has brought greater peace to my pain, than knowing that all the people who ever have caused me pain, were only fighting the same demons I was fighting. Some much worse.

But for me, the hardest demon of them all, was myself. There was no harsher critique, no more abusive person, nobody quite as unkind and unforgiving as I was to myself.

After fighting down all these demons in my life, knowing these demons were also angels at one point, I sat at the top of that hill for a long time. Wondering what to do next with all of these people, things and ideas that I had both loved, and beat the crap out of, at various times in my life. Even my ugly own alter-ego-amanda-demon, lying at my feet, still vomiting into a gallon sized ziplock bag.

And after a lot of time. After a lot of thought. After a lot of inner turmoil, I came to a decision.

And here my language is no longer figurative. This happened.

I, Amanda, went on a walk today. I decided to go further than I usually go. I decided to allow myself time to explore. I found a bridge on my walk that I had not seen before. I crossed the bridge. I kept walking for a while, then turned around and came to that bridge again and stopped dead in my tracks. And this was not planned.

I decided I was not going to bring ANY, and please excuse my language, *ANY shit back over this bridge with me. So I found a place to sit down. It was not the most comfortable spot, but that was ok, this didn’t need to be comfortable. I was gonna sit with any leftover discomfort inside of me remaining, and allow it to work itself out. And I sat there for about 45 minutes. I let myself think about all the ugly stuff I wanted to think about. As much as I wanted to. And I let myself take some time to make sense of anything that I hadn’t quite made sense of yet…..Nope…..It all made sense.

*Back to allegory kinda talk.

And there I decided how I wanted to be after I cross that bridge. And I want to be ME. And who is me? I am love. I am “love” because I truly want to give love, be love, see love, act with love, exemplify love, embody love, show love, grow love, share love. I want to give it, receive it, share it, cultivate it, encourage it, and cheer love on. I want to be around people that can help me flourish by encouraging me to be me, which is to love. Why do I want all that? Because it feels amazingly good to do! It feels like the healthiest way for me to live.

I want to move out of the battlefield. I am ready to move forward, and explore, and have fun, and learn learn learn! I want people by my side along the way. I want to be by people’s sides.

This is no exclusive club. But it is a protected (like extinction level protected), kind of exploring area. I am posting the emotional signs all over my area to let people know what kinds of things I like to be surrounded by. This area is no longer a battle field. It’s a garden of sorts because I plan to keep my area a sanctuary and also plant all kinds of good seeds on my path as I go. I want to be done fighting demons and just love. And that for me will be the only moral gauge I need moving forward. 

And to be clear, I do not need, want, or have room for perfection to be a player in my garden anymore. Because love is not perfect. Except for there is a perfect *kind* of love. And that is unconditional love. That is the only perfection to be attained here.

And I know that my garden will weather a lot of storms. But the rain will help those seeds grow….

So there I was, still out on my morning walk. Closer to afternoon now. Except sitting in front of a bridge. It was a bridge I was to only cross with ZERO shit left in me. Did I need more time? Nope. Didn’t need anymore time. I let it go. I stood up, dusted off my butt, and crossed the bridge into my life now. 

My garden sanctuary of love.