The Perfect Relationship

 I learned something so important last week, that has absolutely turned my world upside down. 

People always think I am so dramatic because I use dramatic words. But I SWEAR my goal when I communicate with others is to be 100% honest, AND also with the most kindness I can muster. If I could be permitted with a number 2 priority, I would say to be direct. But that is something that I struggle with because although I am honest, I am not always understanding the situation 100 percent during the moment I am speaking. And I have no trouble getting wordy! So therefore, anything that I have said to you, yes it was honest for me in that moment, [not at all dishonest for me in THIS moment, I will not deny it whatever it is you think I did mean to you, give it a try, really!] but it was just the nicest way I could put it honestly. And sorry if I did it in a wordy way. 

Of course nobody would admit that when they are being mean, that they are being honest but they don't want to be mean. Because that would be downright rude. I on the other hand would say "I am being honest, but I also need to be mean right now," if I was wanting to be mean. But because I am honest, I am not afraid to admit to you that I was mean if I was wanting to be mean to you. Therefore, if you think I ever did something mean to you, yes I did. And I am sorry. But it was literally the nicest way I could do it. 

But that is not what I learned about myself that turned my life upside down.

I learned that what drives my heart #1 in this world is wanting to love people and they love me back. I already knew that part. The part that I did not know is that I if I love them, and they don't love me back, I will be crushed. Like sooooo crushed. My people pleasing verges on suicide if I think you hate me, but I love you. I know it makes no sense at all. I totally agree with the cliché adage "Once you realize you cannot please everyone, then you can start pleasing yourself." Like totally agree completely. However, I am a 42 year old woman, and I cannot get myself to change to actually live to that awesome advice! I have TRIED!!!!!! With my entire soul!  And for that I can get dramatic, but wouldn't you feel dramatic if you loved someone so much you would kill yourself if it meant they would love you back? I mean it is literal in every essence of the word "literal" insanity!!!!!!!!!!! Again, I am literally trying to not be dramatic. It just is dramatic. It is a huge pet peeve of mine when people use the word "literal" and is is actually not "literal" what they are saying. 

Do you know how I know that all the above statements are true? 

Because last week I decided that I did not have ANY relationship problems in my life whatsoever except for one. I need to believe you love me back. Even if you say it, and do what YOU think shows you love me, I will not believe it until I feel it. How do I feel it? I don't know. But a lot of people besides me have figured out how to do it somehow.  So that is all I can say about that.

Do I HAVE to have you love me back? NO! My love is absolutely unconditional, so if you're good, I am good!!!! I do need you to allow me to let go of you if I am not loved though. Why? Because my people pleasing relationship problem also tortures me even if I love you and need you out of my life. I don't want to keep around fake relationships. Please. If you love me, you would never want me to die. Right? And I would truly die to win your love. Promise. And if you could never give it to me, then I am sorry, I need to not try. Because that would kill me. 

Again, I know this all sounds so dramatic, but I am a weird person. Possibly the weirdest person I know. And I am finally completely and entirely ok with it!!!! 
You know why? Because I have chosen to only surround myself with people who make me feel loved. 

So if I do get a relationship problem in the future, it will be because I do not feel loved. Period.

A Facebook Post

Dad Bishop shared this on Facebook today.

Susan and I are looking forward with great anticipation to see and feel the Spirit of Elijah in our hearts and minds and in our home. We wanted to go in the past down to Salt Lake City to the great Genealogy and Family History feast but this gives us a real opportunity to have it right here in our new home. We just moved in about a month or so ago. The home is about 20 years old but is comfortable and very nice for us. We down sized to  one story and now we'll be 80 and 82 in a couple of months and moving slower these days, at least I do. I made up a 4 ft dia. genealogy round wheel. Actually, more like a fan wheel chart with a possible around 2000 names on it when full. It's about 12 or 13 generations on it. I've got it about two thirds full and did it about a year or so ago.  I have my dad's on one side and mom's on the other side. It was so much fun putting it together. Our ward family history Teacher,  Betty Keetch, got me going again; she is such a good teacher. I've heard and learned so much in the last several years. I learn that I have at least 6 direct Mayflower ancestor passengers, three on my dad's side , William Brewster, wife Mary, and Isaac Allerton who married Brewster's daughter Fear, who came later. And on my mom's side, John Howland, who later married Elizabeth Tilley, and at least one of her parents, Father Tilley. And about John Howland's near death after being swept overboard in a raging storm in the Atlantic and of his miraculous rescue. You can't make these stories up, they are so incredible. We got a book about him and sent one to each one of our children and family for Christmas a year ago. No one in my family knew about them, that I knew of. Also, I found out that I have a black fellow on my mom's side. One of my Granddaughter's told me about having about a percentage of black in our line. What, I had no idea. So I started looking into my  mother's side, and sure enough I ran into a person, who lived in Virginia, I believe. He was pulled into court, one day  and wanted to know how come you being a mulatto have 9 whites in your0 home. I think this was back in the 1700's. He paid taxes, and later, his wife received money from the government, since he was a war veteran. This ancestor was about seven generations back. And I found out that some of my people came early into Jamestowm,. One ancestor was born about 1608 in that area, if what I read is true and of somehow he survived the great massacre by the indians one year. And I found out about on my father's side of two Mochacan Indian Princeses. And about the Huguenots in my family and many, many more. It's like a feast at the King's table. I could go on and on but somehow I must soon stop. I knew very, very little about these things until about two or three years ago; and Sister Keetch got me going again. And one of my granddaughter who lives in Texas told me about some of my Black History. And I learned of my Kentucky and Tennessee families by study and learning more about computers. And of my big families from New England. And those from England, Ireland, Scotland, Denmark, The Netherlands, France and Germany and more I'm fairly sure. I've got some wonderful stories on two trips to Caldwell Co. Kentucky. One in Northwest Kentucky where we finally found a guide who took us right to my great great grandmother's grave. Her stone was in a small cemetery up past a tobacco drying shed and up in a soybean field in his 4x4 truck. We found her stone tipped over, as he said it would be. He said he was going back later to set it up straight. We took some pictures, and thanked him for everything and bfor setting the stone correctly. Her name is Tennessee Alabama Hartless. (They called her Tinsy Ala Heartless). I 'd say a very unusual name. We love her dearly and hope to meet her some day as well as all my other ancestors. When we got home we sent him a small package of Idaho Spuds and a signed autographed Book of Mormon. He wrote back and thanked us for the package. (And our guide got permission to go up to the little cemetery.) Thank you for listening to my stories. And I've got many more like them.. They are almost like candy, almost like sacred candy. These stories are sacred to me and my wife Susan. I must confess, thinking back, many have helped me find my ancesters, my dear wife, my mother who like to do genealogy, others in my various wards over the years, Sunday School Teacher's, and cousins who were doing it mostly on mother's side and my wife's sister Eileen. She took us to Nantucket Island. Many of her's, and of course my wife's direct ancestors lived on Nantucket Island. What a fun trip, We were in Boston for a son's graduation and she flew to be there with us and she put us up in the Boston Common's, how nice can it get. Thanks Dayton and Eileeen!  Bye the way, many, probaby thousands,  and probably millions have ancestral stories just like mine, hope you get going. If you love your ancestors like I do mine you will be truly amazed of meeting you ancestors this way. Life just cannot get better. Hope we'll all get going and help our ancestors do for them what they can not do for themselves. We promised.to do this up in Heaven before we came here!. We propised!!  And of course the Holy Ghost is a wonderful teacher. And testifies of truth and of our SaviorJesus Christ. Jesus Christ truly is our Heavenly Father's Son in the Flesh. Heavenly Father has been kind to us and has given us everything, Even our very lives, and helped us greatly!  May we all be blessed in doing this very important work! Thanks for reading. ps. If you found any errors please let me know , we'll try and correct it. Thanks again !

Weird Texas Winter 2021

Feb 9-15

Eden came over the other day and made the most delicious

Mexican Street Corn and Enchiladas

!

Charity, Sam, Hana, Mason and Aspen on the Vickery's trampoline.

Steve and I got to have an overnight date in Austin to get a little break from the kids. Eden came over and stayed with them for us.

We basically hunkered down in a hotel room the entire time and watched shows and rested. 
It was awesome. And this is the only photo I got of it.

It has been a very uniquely cold week. And on Sunday we started to get snow.

Andy and Sam playing out it in it.

Charity's snow angel.

Eden and Anna were without power and nearly everything in the area shut down.

Really crazy!

Steve’s bday festivities 2021 (50th!)

Steve’s 50th!!!!

Date with my Lover

Steve’s Birthday Photos

10th anniversary of Hana/Andy/Mom/Dad meeting!

MiniGolf with Vickery Kids

Just a bunch of random happenings

Hanging out with the Vickery's at the park last week.

These guys are our "double bubble family". They're like family to us and we adore them!

Homeschooling in full force at our place.

The kids just prefer to camp out on my floor where we spread our stuff all over the place.

But we've got a system down that's working for us all and although I am exhausted, I am grateful to have this opportunity to spend be so involved in their academic growth!

My typical view in the mornings.  :)



I took a training for yoga teachers about transgender trauma informed teaching. It was super helpful for me in understanding the challenges LGBTQIA+ individuals face in their everyday lives. 

I really liked this image in particular for an easy breakdown of how humans are not always binary about their gender identity, expression, their sexuality, or emotional attraction. 


We took Andy and Hana out to eat to celebrate our 10 year anniversary of meeting!

Becca bought herself a saxophone!

She was so excited about it, and already sounds fine to me on it!



The 5 youngest kids and I had our bi-annual dental checkups this week.

There the hygienist was able to get this out for Charity like a breeze.

I was admiring Steve's hairdo that just did itself. 

So I made him let me take a photo. 

I've got a crush on this man.

One my private yoga students showing off her crow!

This student is always someone I enjoy spending time with each week.

I took some of our kids, and the Vickery kids to mini-golf yesterday. 
It was such a beautiful day and we had a nice time. 
These kids are easy and fun to be around.