** I don't want to make this post to get "words of affirmation." I just feel like getting some emotions and thoughts off my chest. I'm removing the comment option for this post because I don't want people to feel like they need to try and make me feel better, or say something that will make me feel worse. Not that I feel that terrible. I have every intention of writing this post, then walking away and thinking of other more important things.
I know a lot of people. Partly because of all the moving we've done and the many neighborhoods, schools, and wards (as in our assigned church boundaries--not mental institutions, just to clarify) we've been in. We have a lot of family too. Bottom line from this paragraph: We associate with a whole lot of people!
I am finding as I get a little older, that:
1- I'm learning and getting to be a little bit better as a person as I "grow up." At least I'm trying my darndest to.2- I'm also learning and seeing more that I got a lot of room for improvement. I see my mistakes, faults, annoyances, shortcomings and issues and they bother me more and more. SO, I'm trying to fix them.
3- Ya'll aren't stupid. I can see that other people are aware of #2 as well.
As my group of associations grows, I am noticing more how there are people out there that like me and there are people out there that don't. And there are people that like me sometimes and hate me at other times. Then there's all the people in-between of course.
I think about how people make me feel. There are people out there that make me feel good. And there are people out there that make me feel bad. I tend to want to be close with those people that make me feel good. Not that I'm great at making time for those people! The desire is definitely there though. Sometimes I see someone I admire for whatever reason and want to be their friend or I think we are friends, and then they treat me in a way that would suggest that they feel otherwise. It hurts, and when this happens I try to take a deep breath and move on. None of these people are bad people. I think most people I associate with are down right great people, whether they like me or not!!!
What is bothering me about this though is that I am afraid that the people who don't like me have good reason for it. Was there something in my behavior in the past that just really bothered them and they haven't been able to let it go? Or did I do something recently? Is my personality just too annoying to them? Do they think I am too full of myself? I find myself thinking about those people who I believe are on the "Me no-likey Amanda" side of the fence a lot. Probably too much. On the other hand I adore and appreciate greatly the people who support me and lift me up. I don't always think I deserve to be liked. To be honest I find myself on the "Me no-likey Amanda" side of the fence at times too! If it weren't for my knowledge that 3 really great people love me a lot, despite me, (Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and my husband,) then there would be times I would just not feel worthwhile at all.
I don't want to make people feel bad when they associate with me!
So I guess the point of this post is to kind of let all those people know a little of what's going on in my head. I want to tell them I'm sorry that I do a lot of things wrong. I really and truly am. I am well aware that I am faaaaar from perfect. I want to tell them that I am doing the best I can to be a better person. Perfection is my ultimate goal, but I know I wont make it in this life. I hope I have the chance to get there in the next. I will however do my best to get near it. I don't want to make anyone feel bad and if I've ever made you feel bad, I AM SORRY. Sincerely sorry. If you will just take my word on those statements is all I could ask from you. You don't even have to like me!
****
Note to lady I ran into at Wallmart the other night, then again at the UPS Store the next day:
I'm sorry I got so impatient with you as I stood behind you in the checkout lane and watched you name your own price with a list of advertised prices from other stores for every single item you purchased. I shouldn't have offered to pay you $5 to drop the list and just pay for your items.
I'm sorry for getting annoyed by you when you double parked next to me at the UPS store the next day and I had to move my car twice so you could get in and out of your car.
I should have been more patient. I'm guilty of letting my hurry to get things done be more important than strangers. Who knows what you may be going through.
So I guess the point of this post is to kind of let all those people know a little of what's going on in my head. I want to tell them I'm sorry that I do a lot of things wrong. I really and truly am. I am well aware that I am faaaaar from perfect. I want to tell them that I am doing the best I can to be a better person. Perfection is my ultimate goal, but I know I wont make it in this life. I hope I have the chance to get there in the next. I will however do my best to get near it. I don't want to make anyone feel bad and if I've ever made you feel bad, I AM SORRY. Sincerely sorry. If you will just take my word on those statements is all I could ask from you. You don't even have to like me!
****
Note to lady I ran into at Wallmart the other night, then again at the UPS Store the next day:
I'm sorry I got so impatient with you as I stood behind you in the checkout lane and watched you name your own price with a list of advertised prices from other stores for every single item you purchased. I shouldn't have offered to pay you $5 to drop the list and just pay for your items.
I'm sorry for getting annoyed by you when you double parked next to me at the UPS store the next day and I had to move my car twice so you could get in and out of your car.
I should have been more patient. I'm guilty of letting my hurry to get things done be more important than strangers. Who knows what you may be going through.
