Ok, so if you couldn't tell from my last post, and maybe even the post before, I've been struggling. This week has been SOOO hard for me. I got really depressed. Probably too depressed. Probably too irrational and so forth. But try to be patient with me. Some of you were kind and encouraging and that was great. Thanks.
I went from being an obsessively active person to being nothing at all. It was a complete joy for me to spend an hour or two at least each day working out. I liked to stay on top of everything I could in my household. I liked to fix myself up each day for my hubby. I liked to do a bunch of things. And now, I feel like a total loser because as badly as I love to do those things, I cannot right now.
Maybe for you to understand a little bit how I felt, you could do a little exercise? Imagine you've got the stomach flu. All you have done for the last 2 days is lay in bed and either puke or feel like you are going to puke. Your body feels incredibly worn out and you have almost no strength in you. Your house gets destroyed by all living in it. Dinner doesn't get made. Your long "to-do" list remains untouched. Those days get to be feeling pretty depressing don't they? Well imagine you are like that for 3 weeks straight. Every waking moment your body feels like crap. You have the ability to force yourself up occasionally, but the majority of the time, you just can't. Everything feels like it's falling through the cracks. The laundry piles up, the mail has been delivered for days to your mailbox and you've never made it out there to get it, your house is trashed, the kids are way behind on all their school assignments, and nothing is getting done.
It seems like there is no outside world almost. I have a serious case of cabin fever and all I've done is lay in bed and play on Facebook or stalk blogs on the laptop. It's like this weird time warp I'm in. Like the clocks aren't moving, time is standing still and I'm completely out of touch with reality. I suspect there are people out there that don't totally buy that I feel as sick as I say. Maybe because I don't lose enough weight or something? I don't know. I guess it would be hard for them to understand if they haven't really felt it themselves. Or maybe they think I'm just a baby who is over-dramatizing it. (Whatever to that!) Trust me, I have a decent pain tolerance. I did run a 5k on a broken foot afterall. And win it too. But to those people, I can't make them understand so I doubt trying to would help.
So I hope this doesn't come off as complaining. I really don't want to do that! It's just stating what's really happening here. Just keepin it real.
I realized today that something has got to change. I need to do something to snap out of this before I completely lose it. I think I did for a little bit there. And tonight I finally kind of snapped out of my horrible state of mind and decided I am ready to change. I mustered the will to at least.
First order of business: Be grateful and change my attitude NOW. (done)
My 2nd order of business: blog about it so you aren't all watching my bad attitude proudly displayed by my "Winter Sucks" post. (done)
Final order of business: start brainstorming for ideas on how I can keep my mind in a happy place at all times. (doing)
I may post my plan later. Not that any of you will likely care. But somehow doing it publicly will help me I think to stick with it.
You know I'm not trying to please anyone with this post. It's obvious to me that it will be boring and I doubt many will even read it all. No pictures, no fun content, nothing interesting. I'm doing this strictly for survival purposes.
So that's that.
Happy happy happy is going to be my tune. :::Crossing my fingers I can stick to it:::
17 comments:
Amanda,
I want you to know that I know in some small way what you are talking about. I have been there in my life. Here's my suggestion. I took about an hour a day to do something with my hands, (making a blanket) because it's the effort that I could make in the situation that I felt helpless to.
Since your situation is different,here are some suggestions: maybe you could make lists for your kids to do, make happy lists to help you remember blessings, buy some knitting rounds and make baby hats for your local hospital for all those cute little newborns who need to have warm heads, make something memorable for the little one growing inside of you. What I learned when I was having such a hard time was when I did a little something for someone else, even though I look back and think about how sad I felt, I also have that blanket to be happy about, because it took 5 dang months to knit! :) And I can be happy about that, because it was something I created for someone I love. I know you weren't looking for suggestions, I just know what it's like to feel helpless to a situation that you can't control and trying to make the best of it, and I see that in you. We are praying for you Amanda!
Alysa. Thanks! I totally welcome suggestions and those sound similar to what Steve was suggesting I do too. Thanks again.
Hi Amanda,
I love to read all your blogs! They no matter what mood I am in can leave a smile on my face. I am really sorry for how you are feeling. It sucks that in addition to being sick, you are having to think about all the things that we do as moms. No one can replace us in our awesome jobs we have. I will pray that maybe you will have a nice long phase of a break:)
It has been sometime since we have hung out but reading your blogs it is very clear you are the type of friend we would just pick up from where we left off. You are still the fun, quick witted, talented, good dancer( I still hear the song saved the best for last, you danced to in jr high and think of you). Well keep your happy thoughts flowing and I hope i didn't babble on because this is why I probably do not have a blog because A I don't how to and B I would babble all night long:) Take care! Leann
Oh, Amanda...I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I didn't realize how serious your situation was. I DID read the whole thing and i am sure everyone else will too. I was sick in pregnancy, but not nearly as sick as you. I can only imagine how it feels, but i know that I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself. The kids were fed piles of cheerios, and climbed all over me while I just laid there. You have it much harder. You have kids that have places to be, and things that they need to get done. I was lucky that I didn't really have to be anywhere so i could just lay there. I am truly, and honestly feeling sorry for you, and although it won't make you feel better physically, maybe knowing you have someone sympathetic on your side can help brighten your mood. I am really proud of your decision to think more positive too. It is a very bold move, and only a strong person can make. I know you will triumph because that is what you do best. Good luck, and if you ever need someone to talk to you can call me.
Hang in there girl.Know that you are in my prayers.I am pretty much doing the same thing you are doing.I can't wait for you to post your plan on here of how to get out of your funk.I am NO way as near as sick as you are, but I feel sick and tired and nervous to do to much, so I lay on my couch while my twins litterally DESTROY my house.You would die if you saw my house and laundry right now.Don't be so hard on yourself, you are growing such a precious baby its SO ok to chill.I love you and pray that you may feel uplifted!
I'm so sorry Amanda. I had no idea you were having such a hard time. I feel like a bad sister! I felt like I needed to call you several times, but was always distracted and didn't call. I'm going to do better.
I DO know how you feel. It's the pits. You can do it!! Just focus on the blessing that is growing inside you. I really liked your SIL's suggestions. It's true--when you are focusing on other people it really takes your mind off your own pain. Hang in there and know that I love you and I'm praying for you.
I'm proud of your attitude change and determination to just make yourself feel better (emotionally). You are so awesome and stronger than you realize. It won't be long and you'll be out running like crazy again. Maybe after you have this baby, we will be on the same level as far as our running goes:). Hang in there and be happy!! ((HUGS))
Amanda, I read the whole thing too! So Sorry, morning sickness sucks! I have always found it's my feeling the whole world is spinning out of control that makes me crazy! Try to find something you feel up to doing that you feel gives you even a little control back! Something that once done will stay done! Got photos that need organizing or a single drawer that needs help? If that's just too much right now then just remember housework will always be there, so just tell yourself you are switching gears and doing something that with matter in eternity, something only you can do! Your sweet baby appreciates your sacrifice to bring them life. A gift that is so precious! If you can get out of the house for even a few minutes! Grab those Ziplocs and go girl! We will keep you in our prayers!
Hi Amanda,
I always get to your blog through Dana's...I always love it! Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so awful...I have thrown up in every imaginable place (walking in a crosswalk, on my doorstep, in a bush on campus, etc.)...mine only lasts for the first trimester so I can't quite feel your pain though. I have a little mantra that helps me endure..."sick mommy equals healthy baby, sick mommy equals healthy baby..." Anyway, just wanted to say, "hi" and sorry you feel so awful!
Manda,
Being pregnant sux but is so worth it, right? Brenda wishes she was pregnant again eventhough she couldn't breathe most of her pregnancy. I wish I could come up there and help you with your to do list. Hang in there the nine months goes by fast looking back.
Amanda,
I had to start it like that because everyone else was right? You know I am here for you right and even though you think I am super busy...and I am...I would still drop everything to be there for you. Hang in there sister it's going to fly by and you aren't even going to remember how bad it has been. You've done it 5 times you can do it 1 more. I love you and admire all you will go through for a sweet baby. OK, now I'm going to call you. K. Bye!
Thanks everyone. Really, those comments meant a great deal to me. More than you'll know.
I'm doing well.
Oh man, I'm sorry you're feeling so sick! That totally sucks. I hate being nauseous, it's my least favorite feeling in the world. Sounds like you have a lot of support. I love Areesa's advice, so I'll just say ditto to that. And don't worry about what other people think, just do what you gotta do. My house is a disaster right now and I don't even have a good excuse for it. Hang in there, and remember it will all be worth it in the end!
1. You can do it!
2. Throwing up suuuucks. No one blames you fir laying around. Doyee!
3. A clean orderly house is overrated.
4. Wish I was closer to help.
5. Lists are fun, right?
I was in bed for 6 weeks in the most intense pain ever when I had rheumatic fever. I thought I would never, ever see daylight again. I can't fully relate to what you're going through, but I kinda can. I know an attitude change will make all the difference, and believe it or not--I think stalking and commenting on blogs is a way of giving a little service in the form of an encouraging word to another, so you're not doing too bad :).
I agree with everything Memzy said!
I wish I knew how sick you were when you lived closer. I'm so sorry about that! I agree that a clean house of over rated! I was very sick most of November and hung out on the couch, in bed, or on the computer. I didn't feel up to doing anything creative but I found crocheting again. It kept my hands busy without taking much concentration. I also renewed my love of Netflix!
I can't believe your ran a 5k on a broken foot!! You are amazing!
Okay... I know you want to do everything you did before this pregnancy, but you can't. I can see the weight of that on your shoulders. So my suggestions are this: 1. Get help with your daily chores. 2. Understand that you are accomplishing a LOT (carrying a little person in your belly 24-7). 3. Know that you will return to the exercising maniac, housewife extraordinair (how the heck do you spell that?) at some point in the future.
With that said, I know it stinks, and I will pray for you. :)
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